Ponderings on adopting an older child

Adopting an older child is really bittersweet. In some ways it’s easier than adopting an infant (they can talk, are potty trained, etc) but in other ways a lot harder. The hardest part for me has been seeing the added grief and loss that other kids Ella’s age, who were adopted at younger ages, don’t have. I knew before I adopted her that it would suck having to watch my daughter deal with the hurts of her past, but I didn’t have any idea how much it would hurt, nor the emotional agony we’d share. Plus the fact that, as a parent, you feel so responsible for everything that affects your kid and you want to deal with everything in the best, most helpful way. Only you don’t always know how, or figure it out after the fact and you’ve done something totally different.

Lisa and her kids were over this last Saturday and we went to the zoo. Her twins are one month younger than Ella and were adopted at 22 months old – Ella was adopted at 37 months old. It is amazing what a difference that extra year made. Lisa’s twins never made such strong emotional attachments at the orphanage, nor do they remember any of it, even though they go back occasionally to visit. Consequently they don’t have the grief that Ella does. Six months later, Ella still mourns and grieves for the people that she’s left behind, especially it seems for little Jorum. I think that now the “newness” of having a mom and family has worn off, Ella is starting to think about those in her past and missing and grieving her old pals. Which is good I guess but had she been younger I doubt it would have affected her as much.

Ella has talked about Jorum a LOT and has prayed for him every night, totally unprompted, since we visited Sanyu’s almost two weeks ago. Saturday she brought up our visit and kept repeating over and over the fact that Jorum came running up and hugged her. Isn’t that just terribly sad that she misses him so much?? And once he leaves the babies home we will never see him again. He’s history yet he was like a brother to her. Imagine taking away your three year olds sibling and never hearing of him or her again! That’s what’s happened to my little L and there’s nothing I can do about it. And Jorum isn’t the only “sibling” she’s lost – just the one she remembers the most and was closest to I guess.

Jorum and Ella when he came down in June

Ella and Jorum, the day I brought Ella home from the babies home. Jorum started screaming and crying, either because I was taking Ella or because, once again, he was being left behind. I was crying too. It was terrible.

Teachers Mercy, Harriet and Lydia, with Ella and Jorum when they came down for a visit in June. At this point, 3 months after she'd come home, Ella didn't seem to be grieving for these people at all, although she was fairly happy to see them.

An odd thing about Ella is that although she’s very young for her age, she’s really perceptive. Lisa pointed that out. I know that Ella acts quite young for her age (thanks to the institutionalization) but is very bright. Everyone thinks there child is smart but anyone that knows Ella will tell you that she’s “different” –incredibly bright, despite the fact that she acts so young for her age. Weird combo. Perceptive is the perfect definition for her. It could also be why things effect her so much more than other kids who’ve experienced similar circumstances. Why God gave me a child like this is beyond me. I would have done far better with a more “simple” one, like I was.

Thoughts of another adoption flit through my mind. Would I adopt another three year old? Would I adopt a baby? Could I handle sharing the intense emotional issues that go along with an older child? Could I handle the physical, tedious needs that go along with a baby (I am not a baby person)? I simply don’t know. I hope that God doesn’t ask me to adopt again, not because it’s been a terrible experience or I regret it (on the contrary, it’s been one of the best things that’s ever happened to me and a HUGE, ENORMOUS blessing) but because I am fully content with the ONE child I have now and sharing the hurts and losses of her past with her is emotionally very, very draining. The loss that an adopted child goes through in an adoption can be overwhelming. One positive aspect is that once you and your kid suffer through stuff like this and cry and hurt together, you really do feel close. It is rather gratifying to be able to be there for your kid when she needs you. I also think there is a special, extra aspect to the relationship between a single parent and their child that couples and their children don’t get to experience.