Goodbye warm fuzzy feelings- welcome harsh adoption reality!

One of my few pictures of baby Ella, in all her baby glory :)

My little Ella is getting older. And more fun. But as she gets older we are starting to deal with “bigger” issues than at three, four and five years old. Now, we are a very adoption oriented family, for what should be fairly obvious reasons. To the kids the whole adoption thing is the norm, while other families where adoption is not involved are the exceptions. Which babies homes the kids have come from is common knowledge, and Ella has shown surprise before that I didn’t come from a babies home too. I’ve pretty much been floating through the “feel good” adoption issues – my kids think that adoption is the norm, babies come from babies homes and they’re so glad that they have a family and aren’t stuck in a babies home! Ahhh, warm fuzzies all around.

Until yesterday, when the actual realities of adoption just happened to hit six year old Ella for the first time while she was, um, er, ah, not really sure how to say this… on the “think tank” taking a … think.

I happened to be laying on the couch (something I like to do whenever I get the chance!) listening to my little thinker start to think. Questions started coming out of the bathroom, totally out of the blue. “What happened to my mother? Where is she? Do you know her name? Do you have her number? Can we find her? Was she sick? Does she miss me? I miss her! I miss my mother! Is she thinking about me? Does she know where I am? Mom, I just miss my mother!” Then the tears started. And the absolute most heartbreaking question of all wailed from the bathroom – “Why did she get rid of me?” Now, I’d been trying to play it cool – calmly empathize with Ella, let her know that it’s normal and GOOD to miss your birth mother, that it IS very sad, but not to overreact and spur on teary drama just for the sake of drama. I mean, anyone whose ever had a six year old knows that added drama is just plain old fun for them. But wow, that one really got me : (

Sadly, about all I could say, was, “We really don’t know. I’m not sure.” I don’t want my kids to be angry at their birth mothers, nor do I want to mislead them into creating unrealistic fantasies about their birth families either. And the honest, absolute truth is, we don’t know. Not entirely comforting to a six year old and a LOT to wrap her little head around. When she finally finished taking care of business in the bathroom, I told her that I THINK her mother loved her a lot because she was such a healthy, well cared for little baby, but that I had no idea what circumstances led her to believe that abandoning her precious baby was her only option. I went through the whole spiel about Frankie’s mother, too. He was right there with a big smile on his face (always his look when something serious happens) listening to everything and offering cheerful comments. We did come up with the concrete gem of info that their birth mothers were brown. Of that I’m certain!

I could see her train of thought turning to herself, little baby Ella, and what little baby Ella did to make her mother “get rid” of her, so I tried to nip that in the bud. We discussed our friends baby, and how was it his fault when he fell? His fault when bad things happened to him? Well no, of course not. So NO, it was NOT baby Ella or baby Frankie’s fault that they were abandoned. It was no one’s fault, really. That reassured Ella and the loving, forgiving little child said, “And it’s not my mothers fault either!” She’s going to get FAR in life with that mentality, I think. No blame, no bitterness. Love that kid.

As Christians, we know and believe that God is ultimately in control of everything. I could honestly tell the kids that while what happened to them was very sad, that God was and is in control. He is with their birth mothers, where ever they may be. This may seem like a pat answer to many, but to me, it’s not. It’s complicated far beyond me! It’s not something to easily dismiss yet it’s NOT something to feel guilty about. For me or my kids. We are all thankful to God for the family that we have today. We are sad for the birth mothers who do not have their babies and kids anymore, and we are sad for baby Ella and baby Frankie who were abandoned. BUT, we are thankful for what we have now. We know that God is in control. And God is good. All the time. Even when circumstances aren’t.

I finally had to put an END to the conversation when Ella started recounting tales of her mother and how, get this, she remembered what her purse looked like. Yeah right! You were three months old! But I AM glad that she’s starting to process this all at six years old, and feels comfortable and secure talking and grieving about it. I pray that Frank will be able to do the same and am glad that he has his sister to help!

As usual, our dogs played into the conversation too. None of them know where their mothers are and all but Bridger were abandoned too. But, look at Ranger. Does he look sad? No, because he’s moved on and he’s living in the moment (dog psychology). He’s happy for the Pack he has now. And no, we are not going to go tell the guard how much we miss our birth mother ;) We are going to be like Ranger for now. Finish your dinner. Then we are going on our Pack Walk.

God can even heal brains

We have seen a LOT of improvement in our little Frank in the last couple of months. He is more assertive, less angry and can snap himself out of a “brain lapse” quicker.

An example was the other night. He was trying to get a banana from off the counter which was proving difficult since the power was out and there was a candle in front of it. I was “busy” sitting on my butt at the computer and so I asked Ella if she would help get him a banana. Oops, that was a mistake that I tried to correct by then asking Frank, “Do you WANT Ella to help you get a banana?” Well, he did and then of course when he got the banana he started to complain about how Ella had “crunched” it as he unhappily began to peal it. I was CALM and didn’t get annoyed with him but just said, “Ella got you that banana so that you didn’t get burned. She didn’t want to see you get hurt.” Hmmm, you could see him thinking about that. Then I asked, “Why don’t you think Ella wanted you to get hurt?” He paused and it was like a light bulb went off in his little head. His face lit up and he said, “Because she LOVES me!” Then he HAPPILY devoured his banana and it wasn’t an issue! Halleluiah! Seriously, before this would have totally ruined his evening and he would have been cranky and pissy for the rest of the night. All over someone getting him a banana.

Understanding how and why he thinks the way he does has helped us all SO MUCH. I deal with him completely different and don’t get so mad at him as much. He inturn seems to far less unhappy with himself and others and in less turmoil. He is finding peace with himself! I think his injured brain would send him one message (she's helping you because you're helpless and stupid) while his heart would tell him something else (she's your best friend and loves you!), which put him into constant confused turmoil. Poor baby :(

I think that Christian parents especially have to be careful not over react to seeming “character flaws” that they see in their injured children – such as lying, anger, discontentment, sexually acting out, etc, that can all crop up because of deeper issues. We need to focus more on the injury and not the symptom even though our religious selves tell us different. Sometimes kids truly just can’t help it as their brain has been rewired a different way. BUT God CAN heal them, just like we’ve seen Frankie being healed in the last couple of months! He doesn’t have to end up a depressed, alcoholic, suicidal adult who hates his family!

March Milestones

March came and went, the large majority of the time catching me without a laptop on which to blog with!But here's a wee bit of a synopsis of the milestones in our family that occurred in March.

First Milestone - March 2nd work began on our house! The story of this land purchase and house building is simply mind boggling to me. It just doesn't happen this way here (or anywhere really!)! I will never doubt that it was God's will for us to buy land and have a house built on it simply because with very little effort on my part, it's happening! Richard, my friend who found the land and negotiated it's purchase (the owner never even saw me ONCE!), still just shakes his head at the speed and smoothness of it all. And to find a contractor who is not only an American but who is affordable? Unheard of! Especially in Christian circles, many people think that I need to get married. To me the obvious and direct ways that God provides for me and the kids is a no brainer that I do not. I mean, what poor dude could compete with God?! It would be a totally unfair act to follow.

Second Milestone - The beginning of March we attended a birthday party for our friend, Abi, who was turning 4 years old. And Frankie had a GREAT TRAUMA FREE TIME! There were seven kids altogether - three kids who mine knew but not well, and Frankie interacted with all of them in a normal way. The two little tricycles were a big draw to all the little boys and Frankie exhibited NORMAL little boy behavior making sure he got his turn with them. No shutting down, no getting overly angry, no pouting, but normal assertive efforts to make sure that he got his turn. Yeah Frankie! Post traumatic crap usually rears it's ugly head after an event like this and even if Frank's had a blast, all he can usually remember are the little "bad" things that happened - like his hat breaking, another kid getting the tricycle or pushing him, etc. But NOT THIS TIME!!! His little brain managed to retain ALL THE GOOD THINGS about the party!!! Amazing!! Proof that little injured traumatised brains DO heal! So when ever he has a "brain relapse" day I hold that image of him at the party in my head and it gives me hope. Thank you Lord for the continued healing of Frank's brain.

Third Milestone - March 10th was Ella's three year anniversary of coming home. Yep, the magical three years when Uganda can complete her adoption! We are planning to wait until November however to see if we can get the kids both done together, hoping that they'll make an exception for Frankie at his two year mark. I'd like to be able to get their US immigration business done together when we're back on furlough next year.

To be honest, I never thought that I could love or enjoy any person as much as I have Ella. She is a JOY. Truly an inspiring little person who has helped teach me to love, forgive and MOVE ON from crap that has happened in the past, simply by her inspiring example. She is like an adoption dream story - three years after coming home, even after living in an orphanage for three stinkin' years, she is a perfectly adjusted little person and appears not to have ANY emotional issues. Not only does she adore and appreciate her family but she truly seems to be free from any "adoption issues" or trauma from her past. It has been AMAZING to watch the Lord take a broken, scared, moody little three year old and transform them into THIS - what we have today. I have NO idea why God chose to bless ME with this child but I am SO GLAD and THANKFUL that He did!

Fourth Milestone - I turned the big 3-0 this month. Wow! What a last 10 years it has been - phew. I NEVER EVER imagined or dreamed that I would be where I'm at now - the mother of TWO children and one SIX YEARS OLD! How'd that happen?! Not to mention owning property and having a house built - in Uganda no less!

I've been through and learned a lot in the last 10 years- working my butt off through college (19 credits a semester, a 100 mile commute to school, two part time jobs and a work study), attending horribly intensive summer school for three summers(linguistics - blah!), moving to Uganda with stars in my naive little eyes and ready to give my whole entire heart and soul to Bible Translation (sorta missed the point, huh?!), getting slapped and stomped down a LOT, learning to get back up, learning to fight tooth and nail (against other "missionaries". Hmmm....) for what is right, having an entire world and world view opened up to me, being a minority ALL THE STINKIN' TIME, becoming a parent - not once but TWICE- to children who already had issues to deal with, and basically just growing up! Geesh, no WONDER I look so old and worn out...

The most important thing that I learned these last 10 years is that if you know God is telling you to do something, you just need to OBEY HIM and step out and do it. NO MATTER WHAT. Obey first and trust Him later if you have to. Work your butt off if you have to. You just have to know that He DOES hold to His promises, even though it's hard and it may seem like you're floundering. And usually He works things out totally differently than anything you've ever dreamed about!

Ella's "all natural" art

L's been on a real kick this last week or so. She's been creating some interesting "art work" out of mud every single day. She takes it quite seriously too. She creates these concoctions, er.... works of art, every morning and they dry in the sun during her nap (yep, six years old and still takes an hour nap every day! How lucky am I?!). She claims to dream about them during her sleep and then is up and out the door when she wakes up, barely taking the time to put her pants on!

Our friend Simon, who works for us twice a week, showed her how to mix the right amount of sand and dirt together in order to build a house, etc. I'm amazed that she can actually do it without getting covered in mud!

Proudly exhibiting some of her creations

She's now putting hand, foot and paw prints in them

I think she's making pancakes here

Ella has been playing a lot lately and it's been fun to see. She has always been a player but never really with toys. It took her two whole weeks after she came home at three years old to ever even play with toys and then she'd usually just stuff them in a bag and tote them around. She carried a piece of chalk around in a sardine can for the longest time and that was it! Or she'd take the hobby horse and pretend it was a weed eater. Her play was usually trying to imitate things that big people did but never really involved a lot of imagination.

Ella's always had a lot of really nice, fun toys that she just didn't really play with (other than to stuff in a bag) until now. And it seems like now she's trying to make up for lost time! She's up at the butt crack of dawn and gets right to work playing with her toys. She gets her little people and toy dogs and creates Dog Whisperer episodes (it's great to see all the different looks she comes up with for poor old Cesar!), her little Polly pockets drive around in their car with their dogs and cat having adventures and it's just been great to see her using her imagination and playing with her toys! Or creating things out of mud outside.

I've read that playing is really important to a young child's development and being as Ella was deprived of a lot of opportunities to play the first three years of her life, I'm letting her play as much as she wants to now. Yes, she'll learn to read, write better and do arithmatic but for now I'm letting the kid PLAY!

I guess it doesn't take a lot to make me happy and proud - my kid is six years old, playing with her toys and mud and I am delighted! I think that if I had biological children I'd take little things like this for granted. Having children "with pasts" forces you to take nothing for granted! Even things as simple as playing with toys and mud :)

Snaggle Tooth

Ella lost another tooth in her usual unconventional Ella fashion. She lost her bottom two teeth a YEAR ago when she had just turned five and her top tooth had been wiggly since JUNE. It came out in November and I fully expected her to lose her other front one soon (cuz it's wiggly too!). But nope, Ella lost another bottom tooth a few weeks ago! So she really has a sort of lopsided look to her goofy little face now. Like she's been in one too many bar fights :)

I am so blessed to be the mother of this child. She really is a great, goofy little kid.

Today (being Ella's BIRTHDAY!) I used the opportunity to start up a conversation about the woman who was pregnant with and gave birth to her. We know absolutely zip about this gal and Ella has never shown much interest in her. Usually she likes to talk about little baby Ella instead and how she cried all the time, pooped in her diapies, etc. Today she told me, "I wish she [her birth mother] would have just kept me until I found my new family!" I assured her that the gal had NO idea that it would take three years for L to finally come home!

We talked about how Ella cried a lot as a baby (she was a very unhappy baby and cried all the time - then she hit three, came home, and she's been happy ever since!) and she said, "Yep - I was like 'get me outta here!" I NEVER ever talk negatively about the babies home - EVER - and it's interesting to me that Ella just remembers that that was not a good place to be. I mean, we are still good friends with a couple of gals who worked there and who really loved and helped Ella. Children just need FAMILIES no matter how nice their babies homes or orphanages are or how good their caretakers are! Thank you Lord that Ella found hers and that it's MINE! Snaggle teeth and all :)

Our difficult journey through the fallout of trauma

Little Frankie has been home now for a little over 15 months and I believe that I am FINALLY beginning to understand him a little more, and am beginning to understand and learn how to parent him better. Yes my friends, after 15 months... :(

Ella came home at just over 3 years old and I had assumed that by getting a younger child it would have less issues to deal with and so consequently so would I. Bad assumption.
Frankie came home at just around 24 months old. Ella had attached really well, with no problems at all, and so I wanted another child who showed many of the same characteristics as I didn’t feel that at that point in my life I could deal with a lot of challenging attachment issues. Frankie was just a big lumpy baby when he came home and reminded me a LOT of Ella in certain ways – he wasn’t overly independent and seemed to WANT a mother, he liked me (which as many adoptive parents know is a BIG plus!), and certainly enjoyed being snuggled.

Bringing Frankie home it was obvious that he was a perfect fit for our family. He adjusted well and attached quickly. It soon became obvious that he had major issues with disassociating and that he was extremely moody. Because he did attach so well, learned English so fast and generally just adjusted so quickly it didn’t seem like there should be a problem, other than his disassociating, which we worked on. A disassociating child is much easier for others to be around than a tantruming, acting out child but disassociating is equally as serious and does hinder attachment and development, just like wild tantrums do. I mean, you just can’t go through life like that although people you’re around will like you more (and probably some of my own colleagues wish that I’d disassociate once in a while!).

Anyways, we spent a lot of time working on his disassociating and helping him come out of that more and more, especially in potentially stressful situations. In my mind disassociating was the issue that was holding him back. If only I’d thought a little bit deeper!

And all of this time I felt guilty. Why? Because all of this time while Frank was attaching so well to me, I didn’t feel like I was attaching so well to Frank. I felt that while he fit well into our family, was I really the kind of mother that he needed and was the best for him? As he began to disassociate less and less and learned to talk more and more he became more and more discontent with things and pissy. For example, while you could tell that he loved his sister (followed her around everywhere, etc) he was very ungrateful and well, pissy with her. Nothing she did was ever quite good enough for him and it just made him disgruntled. Never fully happy or content. And while I loved him, a lot of the time I simply didn’t like his personality. Not something you really want to admit, much less blog about, you know? Especially when you post pictures of his happy, smiling, cute little face all the time. What kind of a heartless bitch wouldn’t attach to THAT little face?!!

Frankie’s pissyness started escalating into angry outbursts last fall, mainly geared at his sister but also to me as well. When we’re around others he’s always the quiet, cute, sweet little boy but he was starting to treat his family like poop and I could tell that he just wasn’t happy with himself. I had never been able to put my finger on just what was wrong but last November or so I began to realize that Frank was just not at peace with himself. A pretty vague conclusion but it was a start. The next question was WHY isn’t Frank at peace with himself?

This was the point that I cracked open Deborah Gray’s Nurturing Adoptions. I’ll admit that I’d read the book before but more with a mindset on attachment, grieving and loss. And I’ll also admit that I’ve had the book longer than I’ve had Frankie...

Wow. What an eye opener! Chapter Four: “Traumatic Stress- The Symptom Clusters,” Chapter 5 “Early Relational Trauma, Traumatic Loss, and Effects on Development” Chapter 6 “Trauma and Neglect- Double Insults” – nailed my little Frankie right on! One section of Chapter 5 is “How Trauma and Neglect’s Emotional States Become Emotional Traits”. Does that not describe Frankie or what?

These chapters explain how a normal brain works and as a result, how normal development occurs. It then describes what happens to the brain when a child undergoes ongoing trauma and how the brain can not develop normally. Basically your child has an injured brain and this affects the way your child thinks and therefore affects your child’s moods and “personality”. "The brain's schema, or life pattern, acts as a filter, choosing what to remember and how it is remembered." (pg 170) Basically the "injured" brain filters out all the positive leaving only negative memories. It’s not enough to just accept your child as they are – you really need to help retrain their brain and help it to develop normally.

"Children who have negative moods as altered by loss, trauma, and neglect tend to become negative adults, often troubled by depression and withdrawal... The moods and defenses stemming from early trauma gradually become what others perceive to be the core personality. Powerful intervening variables for children include forming loving connections and providing assistance in order to heal from the effects of maltreatment. The children most likely to recover are the ones who feel safe and have confidence in handling life stressors." (pg 110)

Coming to this realization has helped ME immensely. I look at Frankie differently – he has a brain that isn’t functioning properly which affects his moods (negative) and personality (discontent). I’m not making excuses for bad attitudes – I’m just understanding them better which will change the way I deal with them and hopefully help them change at a deeper level. This will cause you to parent a child like this differently and it’s REALLY helping me like my son more because I understand that these moods are NOT “him”. They are a result of an “injured” brain that needs to be rehabilitated. You can’t help something until you know what the problem is.

To be honest, I should have figured this out WAY sooner. I mean, my kid had been abandoned (in not so nice circumstances) at 14 months old, in an orphanage for 9 months and when I got him he had completely disassociated himself from everything. DUH!!! We have no idea what his life was like before his abandonment either but I’m beginning to suspect, even though he was nice and healthy, that it wasn’t that swell.

So now we’re “starting over”. I’m learning some different ways of parenting Frankie and am praying for him even harder. I don’t see this as any different than helping your child if they had a physical handicap and trust me, it takes just as much faith!

What Uganda needs is a little bit of Roy Rogers and Dale Evens!

Being raised in Wyoming and Montana, my cultural roots are homesteaders and cowboys. From the time I was little I have always LOVED the old time cowboys. Now that I’m older I can see how they represented some great American values and want my children (and especially my son) to grow up with those values as well. Think of guys like Roy Rogers and John Wayne – they were always honest, brave, gentlemen, hard workers, defended the weak and did the right thing. They were cool! And I want little Frankie to be cool like that one day too (even though he is OBSESSED with camels!).

Living in a totally different culture for over five years where men are generally not taught these values (and sometimes exactly the opposite!), I have really come to appreciate these cultural values and want to teach them to my son (and daughter!).

An amazing example of these old American cowboy values are Roy Rogers and Dale Evens. I think that they probably really helped “set the stage” for the way our American society views adoption and children with disabilities now. In my experience, our American society is VERY open and accepting to adoption, while Uganda is not quite at that point yet. Ugandan adoptive families here face what American adoptive families did even one generation ago (and maybe even less?) but are bravely stepping out and trying to change the negativity and shame that is so often tied to adoption. They need a few Roy Rogers and Dale Evens to help them!

Between them, Roy Rogers and Dale Evens had nine children. One son was from Dale’s previous marriage and three from Roy Rogers’ (his oldest daughter he and his first wife had adopted). Together they had one biological daughter who was born with Downs Syndrome, and then four children through adoption. How cool is that? The amazing thing was that out of those four children one was an American Indian, one was an older badly abused child, one a Scottish orphan and another a Korean war orphan! And this was in the 1940’s and 50’s when adoption was not that common and seen as a bit shameful! And transracial adoption just was not done!

It was also a time when a child with disabilities was commonly seen as something shameful and to be hidden away in an institute. Roy and Dale chose to keep their daughter with Downs Syndrome and raise her just as they would any other of their children. Through her they tried to show others that children with disabilities are not a shame and have a lot to add to society. Sadly, their daughter died shortly before her second birthday. Her short life prompted her parents to write the book, Angel Unaware.

Another cool thing about Roy Rogers and Dale Evens was their strong Christian faith, as well as their rocky starts. Their marriage was Roy’s third and Dale’s fourth! She gave birth to her first son when she was around 15 years old or so. This was in a time when divorce was pretty rare to begin with. Imagine going through three?!

An awesome quote from Dale Evens is the following,
"'Cowgirl' is an attitude really. A pioneer spirit, a special American brand of courage. The cowgirl faces life head-on, lives by her own lights, and makes no excuses. Cowgirls take stands; they speak up. They defend things they hold dear."

So even if she never does learn to handle a horse, I’m still gonna raise my little L to be a cowgirl!

Nine Months!

Today the wee Frankie has been home nine months! Amazing! He has been with us now just as long as the time he spent in Nsambya Babies Home. What a changed boy he is now - self confident, friendly, funny, is completely monolingual in English, talks SO well, and his personality has really exploded!

The kids were in their room playing yesterday and I heard Frank's little voice say, "You're making me so mad, Ella. You're not sharing!" I couldn't help but smile and think back to nine months ago when he couldn't speak English and either screamed when he played with his sister or totally disassociated. Thank you Lord for helping us all hang in there through some really crappy, difficult months!

Ella's love, acceptance and devotion to her brother (even when he was at his worst) is truly convicting and challenging. Sadly, she has loved her little bro far more unconditionally than I have through these difficult times and I'm the "mature" parent! Adoption, especially with an "older" child, is truly about commitment and perseverance - those overwhelming feelings of love don't always come immediately and can take time (usually while the kid is fast asleep in their bed :). In some ways, it's much like marriage and can be hard. God does reward our commitment however, and I can truly say that I love my son now. In fact, I love him more and more everyday...

"Will they continue to make me wear pink in my new home?"

Every time we would go see Frank (several times a week) we would find him in pink! He is a rather pretty little boy to begin with and in pink, well, he looked just like a pretty little girl!

NO MORE PINK!!!

Then

Now

Then

Now - the way it should be!

Farewell to a great little cat, Cody

Saturday was a sad day upon the death of our little cat, Cody. I’m not a cat person but wow, Cody was quite the cat. I already miss him. He was a GOOD cat and will be hard, if not impossible, to replace. He was an underrated little cat and compared to the kids, dogs, Ms Dave and even the hedgehog, I barely even have any pictures of him!

What Cody liked to do best as sleep! Anywhere, even on my rocking chair!

From the time he was a kitten he would sleep with his tongue out like this!

We think he must have eaten something poisonous on Friday afternoon, as he began to vomit and was sick. Saturday morning we found him laying dead out in the yard so we were able to bury him. I am VERY grateful for that as dying cats mostly head for the hills and you never really know what happened to them.

It was also nice for the kids that we had his body. Because of their pasts my children are VERY mature in the area of death and saying goodbyes. When I was five years old I would have FREAKED at my cat dying but Ella was very calm and understanding about it, after she made good and sure that she couldn’t wake him up ;). They both petted him, Ella talked to him, thanked Jesus for him, told him goodbye, etc. She did, out of the blue, while we were standing around his little grave, start talking about her family and how she was so glad that she’d found one and wasn’t in the babies home anymore (odd I thought). I think it stirred up some feelings from the past for her, which she dealt with well. Frankie just petted Cody but was processing EVERYTHING in his quiet Frankie way, and has been talking about his cat being in heaven with Jesus ever since : -) (Since I don’t know for sure that animals do NOT go to heaven, I just assume that all of my animals do). He also started talking about Kayo, whom NONE of us have gotten over- and it’s been five months!

We buried Cody out by our swing set. This pile of flowers started looking a bit like a shrine! All we needed was a picture of him to stick on it : -)

We planted an elephant ear plant on top of his grave, that will hopefully grow

The kids are handling it far better than I am. I never knew that I liked and appreciated little Cody so much! Now I have been through a LOT of animals in my life time so I thought that I would be a bit more hardened, but losing Cody has brought up just about every animal death in my history and by golly, I’m grieving for them all!

I had had Cody for four years – longer than both of my children- having gotten him a year after I moved to Uganda. Because I was staying in a one room place at the time, with a cat hungry Lab on the prowl outside, I used to take Cody to work with me when he was a kitten. I’d stick him in my computer backpack and off we’d go on my little boda/motorcycle : -). He lived at the office for a while, while I was in Sudan and in between moves, so he was familiar to all. My mom even helped me neuter him during her first visit here in 2006 (sweet memories, eh? Nothing like a little mother-daughter bonding!).

He did not have the bad habits that most cats have (spraying and being annoying, mainly) and was really a low maintenance, fairly loyal kitty – very unusual for a cat! Everyone on the compound liked him and he liked to curl up and sleep on our beds during the day. There is just something like a sleeping cat body on a bed or chair that I’ve always found comforting. When Frankie came home the dogs were a bit too much for him and he really liked small, gentle Cody. I never remember Cody EVER biting or scratching either of the kids. He also helped keep the snakes out of our compound and was a good little hunter. I already really miss that darn little cat!

Return visit to the kids and babies at Ns@mbya BH

Last week we had the opportunity to go with Sarah back to Frankie’s babies home (Ns@mbya Babies Home) and spend about an hour there with the kids and babies. It was a surreal experience for me.

While I’m beginning to feel like an old hand at this, two adoptions later, having volunteered weekly at Ella’s babies home (Sanyu BH) for two years and having visited and having close connections with several others, I continue to be struck with the unnaturalness and sadness of a babies home. The more books I read on child development and attachment, the worse they seem.

After returning to Frank’s babies home almost 8 months later, it is SHOCKING to see how many of these little kids just haven’t grown! Eight months in the life of a two or three year old, let alone a one year old, and you should see LOTS of changes. But in many kids, you don’t. This isn’t because they aren’t receiving good care, because they are. Lack of normal physical growth and development, despite receiving good care and nutrition, is COMMON in babies homes.

Many non Africans can’t get past the very “Africanness” of a babies home – No diapers, no toys, no warm water, babies sitting or crawling in the dirt munching on a piece of trash, or a tiny baby sitting alone sipping milk from a cup (usually without spilling, which still amazes me!). Sadly, they think that a more “Westernized” environment will somehow make things better for these little people, not realizing that the majority of little Ugandans are raised like this, grow and even THRIVE in this environment. The element that these youngsters are missing so desperately is a FAMILY – not more “westernized” care. I strongly believe that a child born into poverty is MUCH better off remaining in poverty with their family rather than being put in a “nicer” institution where they’re more likely to receive better health care and education, without their family. I am most familiar with Ugandan run babies homes, but have frequented an other, American run home as well, and each are equally sad to me.

The flip side to this (and one that I was falling for before I brought home my own children) is only seeing loving, happy little children who LOVE you and are totally thrilled to see you and spend time with you. At Ella’s babies home they even had “class” with toys and supervised play, which was much nicer than most lower class Ugandan children have. So you tend to think, “They seem happy, they are well fed and they like to play with me – they must be fine!” Plus, that also lets you off the hook for actually DOING something permanent to help one!

God has privileged me with having these different experiences with various babies homes. Not many of my American or other Western peers have had these experiences nor gotten as deeply involved and sadly, not many Ugandans have either. Out of ALL my Ugandan born friends, NONE had been to babies home before I came along (except those that I met AT the babies home!), and many still haven’t. These are people who are in their 20’s to 50’s!

So, what does all of this mean? What does God expect of me? I still don’t know. Ignorance is bliss and I am no longer ignorant. I do know that my first responsibility is to my children and doing what’s the very best for them. At this point Frankie would not be ready for the addition of another child as he still needs an awful lot of me. But in a couple of years, who knows?

Frankie found us

Frankie started talking a couple weeks ago about how he felt at the babies home. I wondered if he ever really would, being as he was barely two years old when he came out and had “only” been there nine months. He told me, in his stammering little baby voice, trying to find the words, “I was sitting there at the babies home and I was sad. Then I found mom and I found Ella.” Sniff. He found us, not the other way around, in his little baby brain!

Sadness and them finding me seems to be the consistent theme in both of Ella and Frankie’s memories. Isn’t that sad? They were both just babies!

Last week we went back to Nsambya Babies Home with Sarah, to turn in her application and to be her moral support as she starts the adoption/fostering process of one of the little children there. This is so good for both of my children to be a part of.

For our family adoption and babies homes are the norm and all of those who give birth are just odd (our neighbors are expecting another baby in September so L sort of knows the basics of all that but still.... it’s just weird to her ;)! Isn’t that funny? Ella sent me to work the other day with “files” to get signed AND STAMPED by our friend Prossy, so that she could give them to the “officer” (Probation Officer) and adopt her baby doll, Nana : -). We know where babies are supposed to come from!

Sarah’s upcoming adoption has stirred up a lot of feelings in little Frankie however and the week before we went he was super whiny/crying in the mornings with Sarah, and then SUPER snuggly with me after I got home. To the point where he didn’t want to do anything but sit on my lap, poor boy. The day after we went with Sarah to the babies home however, he was just fine and back to his normal self. After we had sat and chatted, looked at files and were ready to go, Frankie practically RAN out down the hall and out the door!

When Ella came home, at three years old, I did many, many suggested attachment activities with her. I slept with her, hand fed her and “bottle fed” her with a sippy cup and soft Nuby nipple, just to name a few. She was READY for it and really enjoyed being one very big baby for the first 6+ months (I thought my poor back would break from hefting her 32+ pounds around everywhere!). After three years without a mom, she was ready for one! Frankie has been a different story, even though he was a whole year younger. He was left “momless” at around 14 months and his abandonment hurt him far deeper. He also hasn’t had as much intensive one on one attention and work done with him and he is just a totally different ball of wax personality wise. He JUST, as of last week, started being bottle fed with a sippy cup and loving it. I tried him shortly after he came home but he was just too uncomfortable with it. Weird since from day one he’s been such a snuggly fella but nope, the bottle feeding was just too intimate for the poor little guy. All this to say, every kid is different and don’t give up on attachment techniques, even if your kid doesn’t respond immediately! Don’t assume that something is wrong with you or your child. Some kids just take time - every one is different!

Frankie after six months

Frankie’s six month anniversary of being home came and went several weeks ago without much ado, not because I’d forgotten about it but mainly because I haven’t had anytime to write!

The differences in the little chap in the last six months are astounding. It never ceases to amaze me how human beings just weren’t meant to live in institutions and how much even their personalities are stunted by it. Even a rather eccentric family like ours is better than an institution!

I must say, I am VERY glad that the first six months are over. I remember with Ella that the first six months were the worst, when she was grieving and we were working through all of her institutionalization issues. After six months she started behaving like a “normal” child for her age, which was a relief. Although our experience has been very different with Frank, this six month adjustment time has been the same. He is acting more like a “normal” two year old now.

Just a “few” of the changes we’ve seen in him are the following:

• Can say “NO!” and stand up for himself as opposed to screaming/crying or passively doing whatever he was told or asked (even by other children!), even if he didn’t want to. We almost had a party when almost six months to the day that he came home he told Sarah “NO!” for the first time, after she told him to blow his nose : -)! Obviously he still had to obey, but this was the FIRST time that he behaved in such a typical two year old way!
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• Gives impromptu kisses and hugs and says “I wuv you!” as opposed to angrily wiping away my kisses or whining at his affectionate sister. I especially love to see him go up and randomly hug Ella or climb up on her lap and want to snuggle!
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• Can handle himself in a crowd of people better and better! He sticks close to or checks in frequently with his mom but can play normally with other children or by himself instead of totally disassociating or bottling up the stress for up to 10 minutes before letting loose with wailing (he would do this when I wasn’t around and the reports would break my heart).
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• His voice has even changed! He has a normal pitched voice now as opposed to the high pitched whiny one the first three or four months, even when he wasn’t trying to whine. People would seriously laugh because he was such a big boy and had such a high pitched, feminine voice! I’m wondering if because he was perpetually stressed, his cortisol levels were all askew and it caused his high pitched, whiny voice. Perhaps that’s an over analyzeation but who knows!
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• He comes up with ideas all on his own and lets us know what they are, instead of not thinking, or copying everything Ella did. He’ll now have an opinion on which movie they should watch, what they should play with, if he wants milk or water, etc. He’ll even decide that he wants something different than Ella!
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• He talks now and can tell you how he’s feeling, rather than simply whining, pouting, pooping his pants or SCREAMING. Talking has made ALL the difference and he really says some funny things now!
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• HE DOESN’T POUT or snaps out of it more easily and can be redirected. As opposed to ENTIRE DAYS of pouting. He would sit or lay down in protest and DO NOTHING, ALL DAY. Its hard to describe but this behavior could totally ruin an entire day for me. Ella’s loud, screaming tantrums were much easier for me to deal with. His face could turn from totally chubby and darling to truly ugly. I’ve never quite seen anything like it before! And hope that I never do again... ; -)
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• Is a monolingual English speaker, only six months after being a monolingual Luganda speaker. He understands everything in English, can express himself in English, and has forgotten all of his Luganda – even simple greetings! It has been FUN to listen to what he has to say now that he can talk!
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• Can confidently look people in the eye, say hello and will respond to their questions (usually “how are you?” or “what’s your name?”), as opposed to refusing to look people in the face or acknowledge their existence. He’ll even initiate a friendly hello, goodbye or short conversation when the urge hits him!
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• Can tell jokes, pretend to have the dog talk, the doll talk and say funny things, etc. and just generally be funny and good humored! I really think that unless a child is well attached and secure that their “real” personality or sense of humor can’t come out. How can you be funny and good humored if you’re insecure and stressed (those fluctuating cortisol levels again!) all the time? I know that as an adult I can’t – I’m just plain cranky!
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I must admit that when Frank came home I thought that because of his younger age (he was about twenty four months as compared to Ella who was about thirty nine months) and less time spent in the institution (nine months compared to Ella’s three years) that he would have an easier time of it. What I hadn’t considered was the hurt (and perhaps trauma) that abandoning a child at an older age (Frankie was around fourteen months as compared to Ella’s three months) brought, and his very different personality. I’m not sure how much his gender plays into it too, but I do know that he is just very different than Ella.

My attachment process with Frankie has also been much different than with Ella. I mention this because I’d read about it in books and thought, “That would never be me” when in fact, I have struggled more to attach with Frankie than I ever did with L. This has surprised me (and made me feel VERY guilty) since he was a whole year younger than Ella, has attached well with me, and is a naturally snuggly, affectionate little boy. Plus the fact that he’s chubby, soft and squishy! I think the main reasons for this is because he is SO MUCH like an H and some of these H like tendencies really turn me off, as I’ve had to deal with them my entire life, not only from other family members but in myself as well! What encourages me is that love is NOT a feeling, but rather a commitment and the more I commit to him the more the “feelings” come. They just didn’t happen as quickly or as often as they did with L and I’ve had to work harder for them! My love for Frankie is definitely growing and deepening the longer he’s home.

Adoption in itself is such a huge privilege. I think one of the blessings of adopting an “older” child (with problems!) is that you don’t take things for granted as much as you’d be more prone to do with a newborn or biological child. You consciously work on attachment so value it more. You appreciate small things more (like your two year old telling someone no!) and are more aware and prepared to recognize and help your child w through their problems. Because of what my children have been through and how they’ve responded to it, I also have an incredible amount of respect and admiration for both my children. Something I’m sure that my mom didn’t have for me when I was 2.5 or 5! Adoption is truly an undeserved privilege that I thank the Lord for every day.

Best Buds

Watching a movie together

These two are the best of friends. A large reason of why I adopted again (besides the fact that babies homes here are chalk full of motherless babies and toddlers) is that I felt that Ella needed a sibling. To be honest, I never realized just how much she needed one!

These two are inseparable!

Kids who do not develop healthy attachments with their parents are usually unable to develop healthy attachments with anyone – their siblings or friends included. We have seen this in one family that we know who adopted a three year old. The child has had attachment difficulties with their parents and consequently has no loyalties to their siblings, nor is a very faithful friend. This kid is constantly looking for “someone better” and has no real loyalties to anyone and is rather insecure.

Which is why I am DELIGHTED to see my children and the relationship that they have with each other. For any parent this would be nice to see but with mine it’s even extra special given their history. These two are TIGHT. Ella is starting to prefer Frankie’s company even over the neighbor girls who we all LOVE and who are more her age! Frankie of course loves his sister and shadows her everywhere (much like I did when I was little with my sister who was 2.5 years older).

Saturday was the first hot morning we’ve had since getting our table, so the youngsters had to get their sunglasses on in order to eat their breakfast. Pretty intimidating, aren’t they?

Bodyguards or thugs?

There sits my pancake and cup of coffee, waiting for me in the sun of my front porch ;) What a life!

The Fam. This is the way we live. On our porch. With our toys. And our dogs!

Sanyu Baby LOVES her kids! I have never felt that Sanyu was “my” dog (like Bridger is), which is odd since I got Sanyu before the kids came along and I’m the one who feeds her. She most definitely prefers the kids the best! Woe be to the hapless person who tries to do them harm while Sanyu is on duty! Both of these silly mutts are quite protective of their kids.

Ella had a stomach bug last week so she spent quite a bit of her time on the couch watching movies. Mainly one movie, The Gods Must Be Crazy. This is both kids new favorite! Frankie likes to run around now with a pretend gun (or “gum” as he often pronounces it) shooting things, saying “I bad guy!” Ella prefers to think that he’s spraying bug spray (????). Once L gets something into her head it’s hard to get out so we don’t argue : -)

Frankie's chubby little baby hand

Spronkie even made an appearance for the camera!! I think she likes her new roommate, Ms Dave. Oddly enough, Ms Dave likes to help her eat her fish. Weird, eh?

Two years!

Two years ago today I brought home a bald, frightened 32 lb little “bundle of joy” (I can’t believe it was only two years ago – seems like she’s always been with me!). Only she wasn’t bundled and she certainly wasn’t full of joy! My life changed forever that day and I can’t imagine what life would be like for me if I didn’t have my little Ella. What a joy and blessing she has been and the older she grows, the MORE joy and blessing she brings! And not just to me, either, but to our extended family and our friends around us.

March 10^th, 2008, saying her farewell’s to her teachers, Lydia, Mercy and Harriet, and her very special little friend, Jorum.

Ella was three years old when I was finally able to bring her home, after being institutionalized her entire life. They say that for every year a child spends before they come home, they take that same number of years to fully adjust to their new home. Those of us whom have adopted “older” children know just what all “adjustment” involves and all it’s implications. I truly believe this and would never under estimate the impact all those first formative years in a childs life.

Which makes it all the more obvious at how God miraculously worked in little Ella’s life. In just twelve or thirteen months after coming home I can honestly say that Ella was fully adjusted, had worked through ALL those weird institutionalization issues, and had a healthy and normal attachment and relationship with me, like that of a biological child or a child adopted as an infant. You would NEVER guess that she was adopted at three years old – most people assume she was adopted as an infant. Which is why it’s so hard for me to believe that’s it’s only been two years since she came home!! It seems like my little L has been a part of me forever!

Not quite sure how old she was in this picture but dang was she a cute baby!

Ella is truly a testament of God’s sovereignty and that he does not, ever, forget the orphan, nor is anyone ever conceived, a “mistake,” no matter their socioeconomic status, parentage or race. So many babies, very similar to both my children in their race and socioeconomic status, are aborted every day in the United States, simply because they are deemed inconvenient or a “mistake.” Praise God that Ella’s birth mom chose to give her not only life, but love and care for her first three months after birth.

Babies home at almost 2.5 years

Home at 3 years

In Montana at 4 years (on my old horse in my old saddle no less ;)

Today at 5 years!

Were her hair pink I might mistake it for cotton candy!

WHAT A KID!