Attachment

I was writing an annual progress report on Ella's development for my Probation Officer and was actually surprised and encouraged at how well Ella is doing, mainly in the attaching department.

She is doing phenomenal. Better than some kids I know who have been adopted at younger ages and who have been with their parents longer! The reasons for this are;

a) The Lord. He really did protect her those long months that she was kept waiting in that orphanage due to seemingly senseless issues resulting with the organization I work with.

b) Ella's hard work and amazing attitude. This kid came out of that orphanage ready to make this work! She is a good decision maker and from the beginning decided that she wanted a mother. Not all kids decide this, especially if they have gone their entire lives without one and have learned to take care of and protect themselves, both physically and emotionally. Sometimes change can just be too hard and painful.

c) All of the books on adoption and attachment that I read helped tremendously. They gave me a realistic grip on what the realities of jerking a child out of the only home they've known would be, especially from an institutionalized setting. They made me aware of problem areas to look for and why she might be exhibiting certain behaviors and how to help retrain and nurture her. Despite this, I was not the best or most patient parent and was even angry the first several months. Which makes God's grace even more amazing in this situation and the grace that Ella has shown to me and all of my bumbling mistakes!

These are lists of 'accomplishments' that well attached children of various ages should show to their parents. They are from Deborah Gray's book, Attaching in Adoption- Practical Tools for Today's Parents, which is a must read if you're adopting a child of any age, but especially anyone over 2 years old!

The following should be evident in a child from 2 to 4 years old

• The child wants cuddles and snuggles from parents
• The child wants parents for bedtime rituals
• The child wants parents to see his accomplishments
• The child checks on parents whereabouts when he is doing something against the rules
• The child competes for parents’ positive attention and does not interrupt the attention when she gets it.
• The child gets parents’ help in solving problems, preferring their help to a stranger’s help.
• The child gives eye contact and responsive smiling to parents many times a day.
• The child imitates parents’ activities and tries to stay physically close to them.
• The child mimics some mannerisms of the parent, and states their rules.

Ella also exhibits the following characteristics of a four to seven year old child with healthy emotional development.

• The child seems generally interested in sharing her interests with the parent.
• The child likes to play with the parent
• The child seems to like the parent
• The child looks at the parent and smiles many times a day.
• The child hugs the parent and likes when the parent hugs her.
• The child accepts discipline as fair after an initial protest or sulk.
• The child tries to please the parent much of the time and gets distressed when she fails.
• The child shows a full range of emotions.
• The child wants the parent when he gets sick or overwhelmed.
• The child does not show pleasure when parents get hurt, but shows distress and empathy.
• The child wants to grow up to be like the parent in some ways.
• The child is making friends and enjoying play with friends.
• The child continues to master new skills.

Ella exhibits ALL of these, and strongly. On a scale form 1 to 5 she'd probably rate a 6 or 7 :) At one point I as starting to get concerned that she was showing symptoms of 'anxious attachment' she was acting so attached. But after reading up more on it, she's not. Her attachment is a healhty one, just extremely strong.

Now, I was quite a momma's girl when I was a tot and jokes were often made about me being my mom's tail, second head, or growth or something. Ella is even worse than I was I think! Part of this is because I think she came out of the orphanage at a stage when she was trying to find an identity for herself (Like an average kid will do at around 2 years, I think. What are my likes and dislikes. Who am I?). The only example she had was me (ack! That's a scary thought...) so she sort of just 'took on' a lot of my likes, dislikes and characteristics. Which could explain why she has wholeheartedly and enthusiastically taken on hedgehog care of ALL the hedgehogs, watering them at least once a day and feeding them :). That's my girl!

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