As time goes by I am beginning to understand Frank a lot more. He has been difficult in that he holds everything in (unlike his sister who lets it out for all the world to know!) and does not express himself during a traumatic or uncomfortable event, almost freezing his face - often with a little smile on it – and will willingly go along with anything! This can give the impression that he’s “just fine” or even enjoying himself. It’s usually after the event that he lets you know that he’s not fine and that it upset him and made him insecure and mad. Sadly, he does this in many of the same passive aggressive ways that several of my family members have expressed themselves my entire life. Needless to say, I do not handle these behaviors so well in my little son due to the tension and unhappiness they’ve caused in my past! I think a lot of this is why it’s been a bit more difficult for me to attach with Frank then it was for me to attach with Ella, even though he was a whole year younger and has adapted and adjusted more quickly. I also see a lot of myself in him (much more than with Ella) which may be another reason why I’ve struggled with him more than I ever did with Ella.
I have learned, and am learning, to read his cues that he’s uncomfortable and could use some help, usually when someone (very often another older child) picks him up or starts to dominate him (even playfully) in any way. He is a shy boy and does not handle being picked up or made over, although he doesn’t cry and goes along with it seemingly willingly. Mind you he’s not unfriendly and is getting more and more confident but unless he initiates, he does not handle it well.
I’m also coming to suspect that being abandoned at the age of fourteen months, as opposed to Ella’s three months, hurt him far more deeply. Ella struggled to overcome the effects of institutionalization and the fact that she had NO mother for the first three years, while Frankie is different. I think that it hurt him very deeply to be abandoned by his first mother and that it will take more than just a few happy months in a new home for him to get over it and deeply trust a mother again. Poor little kid. I don’t think that he was abused as he has a very kind and gentle nature, something that he had to learn and get from someone. He is covered in scars but is a MAJOR scab picker so even the simplest bug bite, when picked, can turn into a scar. And he was definitely never malnourished!
I can’t fully understand or heal my children’s past hurts but I can point them to Someone who can. What a comfort.
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