One of my few pictures of baby Ella, in all her baby glory :) My little Ella is getting older. And more fun. But as she gets older we are starting to deal with “bigger” issues than at three, four and five years old. Now, we are a very adoption oriented family, for what should be fairly obvious reasons. To the kids the whole adoption thing is the norm, while other families where adoption is not involved are the exceptions. Which babies homes the kids have come from is common knowledge, and Ella has shown surprise before that I didn’t come from a babies home too. I’ve pretty much been floating through the “feel good” adoption issues – my kids think that adoption is the norm, babies come from babies homes and they’re so glad that they have a family and aren’t stuck in a babies home! Ahhh, warm fuzzies all around.
Until yesterday, when the actual realities of adoption just happened to hit six year old Ella for the first time while she was, um, er, ah, not really sure how to say this… on the “think tank” taking a … think.
I happened to be laying on the couch (something I like to do whenever I get the chance!) listening to my little thinker start to think. Questions started coming out of the bathroom, totally out of the blue. “What happened to my mother? Where is she? Do you know her name? Do you have her number? Can we find her? Was she sick? Does she miss me? I miss her! I miss my mother! Is she thinking about me? Does she know where I am? Mom, I just miss my mother!” Then the tears started. And the absolute most heartbreaking question of all wailed from the bathroom – “Why did she get rid of me?” Now, I’d been trying to play it cool – calmly empathize with Ella, let her know that it’s normal and GOOD to miss your birth mother, that it IS very sad, but not to overreact and spur on teary drama just for the sake of drama. I mean, anyone whose ever had a six year old knows that added drama is just plain old fun for them. But wow, that one really got me : (
Sadly, about all I could say, was, “We really don’t know. I’m not sure.” I don’t want my kids to be angry at their birth mothers, nor do I want to mislead them into creating unrealistic fantasies about their birth families either. And the honest, absolute truth is, we don’t know. Not entirely comforting to a six year old and a LOT to wrap her little head around. When she finally finished taking care of business in the bathroom, I told her that I THINK her mother loved her a lot because she was such a healthy, well cared for little baby, but that I had no idea what circumstances led her to believe that abandoning her precious baby was her only option. I went through the whole spiel about Frankie’s mother, too. He was right there with a big smile on his face (always his look when something serious happens) listening to everything and offering cheerful comments. We did come up with the concrete gem of info that their birth mothers were brown. Of that I’m certain!
I could see her train of thought turning to herself, little baby Ella, and what little baby Ella did to make her mother “get rid” of her, so I tried to nip that in the bud. We discussed our friends baby, and how was it his fault when he fell? His fault when bad things happened to him? Well no, of course not. So NO, it was NOT baby Ella or baby Frankie’s fault that they were abandoned. It was no one’s fault, really. That reassured Ella and the loving, forgiving little child said, “And it’s not my mothers fault either!” She’s going to get FAR in life with that mentality, I think. No blame, no bitterness. Love that kid.
As Christians, we know and believe that God is ultimately in control of everything. I could honestly tell the kids that while what happened to them was very sad, that God was and is in control. He is with their birth mothers, where ever they may be. This may seem like a pat answer to many, but to me, it’s not. It’s complicated far beyond me! It’s not something to easily dismiss yet it’s NOT something to feel guilty about. For me or my kids. We are all thankful to God for the family that we have today. We are sad for the birth mothers who do not have their babies and kids anymore, and we are sad for baby Ella and baby Frankie who were abandoned. BUT, we are thankful for what we have now. We know that God is in control. And God is good. All the time. Even when circumstances aren’t.
I finally had to put an END to the conversation when Ella started recounting tales of her mother and how, get this, she remembered what her purse looked like. Yeah right! You were three months old! But I AM glad that she’s starting to process this all at six years old, and feels comfortable and secure talking and grieving about it. I pray that Frank will be able to do the same and am glad that he has his sister to help!
As usual, our dogs played into the conversation too. None of them know where their mothers are and all but Bridger were abandoned too. But, look at Ranger. Does he look sad? No, because he’s moved on and he’s living in the moment (dog psychology). He’s happy for the Pack he has now. And no, we are not going to go tell the guard how much we miss our birth mother ;) We are going to be like Ranger for now. Finish your dinner. Then we are going on our Pack Walk.
Until yesterday, when the actual realities of adoption just happened to hit six year old Ella for the first time while she was, um, er, ah, not really sure how to say this… on the “think tank” taking a … think.
I happened to be laying on the couch (something I like to do whenever I get the chance!) listening to my little thinker start to think. Questions started coming out of the bathroom, totally out of the blue. “What happened to my mother? Where is she? Do you know her name? Do you have her number? Can we find her? Was she sick? Does she miss me? I miss her! I miss my mother! Is she thinking about me? Does she know where I am? Mom, I just miss my mother!” Then the tears started. And the absolute most heartbreaking question of all wailed from the bathroom – “Why did she get rid of me?” Now, I’d been trying to play it cool – calmly empathize with Ella, let her know that it’s normal and GOOD to miss your birth mother, that it IS very sad, but not to overreact and spur on teary drama just for the sake of drama. I mean, anyone whose ever had a six year old knows that added drama is just plain old fun for them. But wow, that one really got me : (
Sadly, about all I could say, was, “We really don’t know. I’m not sure.” I don’t want my kids to be angry at their birth mothers, nor do I want to mislead them into creating unrealistic fantasies about their birth families either. And the honest, absolute truth is, we don’t know. Not entirely comforting to a six year old and a LOT to wrap her little head around. When she finally finished taking care of business in the bathroom, I told her that I THINK her mother loved her a lot because she was such a healthy, well cared for little baby, but that I had no idea what circumstances led her to believe that abandoning her precious baby was her only option. I went through the whole spiel about Frankie’s mother, too. He was right there with a big smile on his face (always his look when something serious happens) listening to everything and offering cheerful comments. We did come up with the concrete gem of info that their birth mothers were brown. Of that I’m certain!
I could see her train of thought turning to herself, little baby Ella, and what little baby Ella did to make her mother “get rid” of her, so I tried to nip that in the bud. We discussed our friends baby, and how was it his fault when he fell? His fault when bad things happened to him? Well no, of course not. So NO, it was NOT baby Ella or baby Frankie’s fault that they were abandoned. It was no one’s fault, really. That reassured Ella and the loving, forgiving little child said, “And it’s not my mothers fault either!” She’s going to get FAR in life with that mentality, I think. No blame, no bitterness. Love that kid.
As Christians, we know and believe that God is ultimately in control of everything. I could honestly tell the kids that while what happened to them was very sad, that God was and is in control. He is with their birth mothers, where ever they may be. This may seem like a pat answer to many, but to me, it’s not. It’s complicated far beyond me! It’s not something to easily dismiss yet it’s NOT something to feel guilty about. For me or my kids. We are all thankful to God for the family that we have today. We are sad for the birth mothers who do not have their babies and kids anymore, and we are sad for baby Ella and baby Frankie who were abandoned. BUT, we are thankful for what we have now. We know that God is in control. And God is good. All the time. Even when circumstances aren’t.
I finally had to put an END to the conversation when Ella started recounting tales of her mother and how, get this, she remembered what her purse looked like. Yeah right! You were three months old! But I AM glad that she’s starting to process this all at six years old, and feels comfortable and secure talking and grieving about it. I pray that Frank will be able to do the same and am glad that he has his sister to help!
As usual, our dogs played into the conversation too. None of them know where their mothers are and all but Bridger were abandoned too. But, look at Ranger. Does he look sad? No, because he’s moved on and he’s living in the moment (dog psychology). He’s happy for the Pack he has now. And no, we are not going to go tell the guard how much we miss our birth mother ;) We are going to be like Ranger for now. Finish your dinner. Then we are going on our Pack Walk.
1 comments:
We are processing through the hard stuff with Tyrese too. It's not all roses and candy, huh? Adoption is beautiful but it is tragic also. In order for adoption to happen, there has to be a terrible loss. I love how you handled it. I hope to get to see all of you soon!
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